The Steerage of My Course…

Bad News, Good News

2010-10-06T10:16:00.005-05:00

This morning on NPR, I heard something that made my stomach turn and my heart break. Rev. Fred Phelps, a Christian minister from the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas pickets military funerals, protesting homosexuality in the military. He advertises these protests, interrupting the expression of mourning these families need with his hateful messages of damnation and judgement. I do not endorse such behavior towards anyone, but the kicker is, he does this at any military funeral he can -- regardless of the sexual orientation of the soldier.

Here's a link to an article (and broadcast) about the father of one soldier who has sued Rev. Phelps for emotional distress during the last few moments he had with his son. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130357711
While I agree that Rev. Phelps has the first amendment right to speak, I am saddened by the way he has chosen to display that message.

Christians are human. We do great things and we also make mistakes. However, the Christian community has recently been represented by extremists who choose to preach a message filled with fear, hate and judgment over the hope, love and grace that I believe is really expressed in the Gospel. I am offended by this. As a human being and as a Christian, I am appalled that adults -- and especially adults who connect themselves to Christ's teachings -- willingly treat each other with such enmity and fear. In response, I find I must compare what I see my fellow Christians do with what I read in the Bible. (This decision, of course, necessitates self-reflection, too.) Below, I've placed three readings from the Gospels that I think correspond to the NPR broadcast and make me consider my own role in this world.

The following story is found in John 8:
"At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin.""

Matthew 5:4
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

From John chapter 11:
"When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept."

Smallest Post Yet -- But Incredibly Deep Question. : )

2010-01-08T10:46:00.001-06:00

Why is it that I have such a hard time with life transitions but my favorite seasons are Autumn and Spring (the seasons that transition us from Summer to Winter and back)?

Creativity

2009-11-10T10:46:00.017-06:00

and Christianity.
I was thinking about creativity and Christianity the other day and these were some thoughts I kicked around:
Why is it that creativity seems so darn important to humans? Why were we made to express? To color, to pretend, to make up? What is it about us that needs -- and wants -- creativity? And, how much should creativity be a part of our work in Christianity? How much should it be a part of our lives in community? Should we, for example, be just as concerned about meeting the artistic needs of the civilization as we are about meeting their dietary needs? I'm not sure. And yet, we were created in the image of a creator. This implies we are -- at least at some level -- made to create.

Would it be ridiculous or soothing, for instance, to offer a coloring sheet and crayons along with a bowl of minestrone to a man who walks through a soup line? How about passing out that same sheet and primary-colored crayons to a congregation as part of a sermon? Or gather around the woman who's been teaching the preschool Sunday school class for the past 3 decades and hear her read a story. Any story. Does it have to be a "Bible story"? I don't think so. God is found in a plethora of places -- most of them unexpected. At least that's my opinion.

In the play Wit by Margaret Edson, the main character, Vivian Bearing, PhD is a feisty, rude, highly intelligent scholar who has been transformed by experimental drugs she's taken to kill the cancer in her body. The drugs have literally destroyed her physical and communicative capacities. Towards the end of the play (when she can do little but lie on the bed and moan) Vivian receives a rare visitor. A former professor, E.M. Ashford, DPhil, stopped by to visit Vivian in her university office and was, instead, directed to the hospital. E.M. Ashford, DPhil, has recently bought "The Runaway Bunny" for her great-grandchild and, having little else to offer, curls up with Vivian and reads her the book. It takes all of 3 minutes to finish the book, but nothing else in the production affects me as much as that moment when creativity is so freely and gently shared. E.M. Ashford, DPhil leaves with the epitaph Shakespeare wrote for his most famous character, Hamlet: "And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." (Cue me to start weeping). It is the most touching moment of the play. At the end of life -- when there is nothing else -- two humans can comfort in another's creative work. Is this moment not a representation of Emmanuel: "God with us"?

The traditional Christmas song Little Drummer Boy explores this theme of creativity connected to Christ even more specifically. A little boy stands among wealthy worshipers who've come to Jesus with "their finest gifts". The little boy, who connected to Jesus because he is "a poor boy, too", can only offer the King of kings a simple song beat out on a drum. He plays his drum -- plays his "best" in fact -- for the baby Jesus and it is at this offering that Emmanuel smiles.

Now, the fact that I revel in this completely non-realistic story (no newborn babe would smile as an 8-year-old bangs on a loud drum) may only be because I, myself, am an artist and think creativity should be important. I hope not. I, instead, have hope that God has gifted us with various ways to communicate and that by using our creativity to share, to love, to encourage and inspire, we are simultaneously pleasing and bringing Emmanuel. Inside that exchange of colors, stories, sounds, images, movements etc. is the Kingdom of God.

Googling Beautiful

2009-11-05T09:00:00.008-06:00

I decided to google "beautiful" today. These are what I found:

Sometimes I Just Can't Be the Person I Want to Be

2009-10-22T08:14:00.002-05:00

This morning I had three voice mails on my office phone.
One of them was from a professor in our department. The other two were from this boy I've taken to church on Wednesday nights for the past five months. This kid, we'll call him James, is about 12 years old and gets into trouble almost every week. We've had discipline problems with him a lot including a couple weeks ago when he got into a fist fight with another kid. It was quickly stopped, but fighting is never good. So he (and the other kid) were not allowed to return to church the week after that.

Even though he knew that, he called me the next Wednesday and asked if I was going to pick him up. When I tried to explain that he wasn't allowed to go, he got really upset and hung up on me. He then called me back from a number that didn't show up on my caller id and proceeded to pretend that he was his cousin and threatened me with bodily harm if I didn't take him to church. While it's great that this kid wants to go to church so badly, I didn't appreciate being threatened in this way. I talked to some "real adults"/those with authority at the church, but many have been out of town or dealing with other big issues and I've not been able to actually sit down and talk with James or his family.

So the two messages on my phone this morning (from last night): 1.) "Hi Amy...Can you come pick me up for church? This is James. I'm at ____ ____ house and the phone number here is ____ ____ ____".
2.) "Amy. I'm sorry for what I did to you. Will you please come pick me up for church? The phone number is ___ ___ ____".

UGH!

Then, there's "Tiffany" who (at 19) is pregnant with her second child and calling me every day to ask if I can take her to an employment agency to get a job. She doesn't have one because she got mad and walked out on her old one last week. But if I want to keep MY job, I have to be here working and not driving her around.

Then, "Mark" is a man Emily (my roommate) and I used to go to church with who had a stroke and is living in a nursing home. We haven't visited him in weeks and he's written Emily two letters describing his anxiety and sadness at the fact that we haven't been by.

Then, there's the three girls I love to mentor, the girls I occasionally babysit that I've been dying to play with and all my adult friends.

HOW CAN I BE JESUS IN THIS WORLD AND REMAIN SANE?

I feel like I need to give all these other people attention. I care for them. But sometimes I just want to be selfish. And -- practically -- I CAN'T care for all these people the way I want to. I have to choose. Or go insane. And I have to allow time for myself. But knowing that doesn't make it easier to handle when a 12 year old boy leaves a rather pitiful voice mail on my phone. How do I handle that? How do I love these people?

I don't always know what to do.

I suppose that's why it's good I only have to handle this life one day at a time... :)

Peaceful

2009-10-20T13:51:00.002-05:00

So I'm working in the ACU box office one afternoon last week and this lady comes in wanting tickets for the musical. She is average height, thin and has white hair that bobs just below her ears. She's very cute.

The most arresting quality about her, though, is her voice. It's soft, a little high pitched, and very peaceful. Very peaceful. I sat here watching her buy tickets from the curly-haired, oblivious sophomore boy sitting next to me. Simply watching her calmly take out her chequebook, write a cheque, and say, "Thank you" made me feel calm myself: like I was a little kid and could trust this woman to tuck me into bed. Surely I would have good dreams if she told me a bedtime story and said, "Don't let the bed-bugs bite".

I love it when I encounter people who carry peace with them like that.
I hope someday I will be a bringer of peace, too.

Don't Let the Car Fool You

2009-06-01T10:03:00.003-05:00

It's funny to me how life throws laughter and tears at you often in the same moment. Yesterday I got in my car and heard "I'm Walkin'" by Fats Domino come on the radio. (here it is on youtube!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMjnoaWnDZA
It made me smile, even as I sang along with the lyrics thinking of people I miss in my life, "I'm walking...I'm hoping that you come back to me. I'm lonely as I can be, I'm waiting for your company, I'm hoping that you come back to me....yes indeed." I sang to along, tapping the steering wheel, dancing (as much as you can in a car) and be-bopping along. It felt gloriously like summer, and I didn't care if anyone saw me singing to myself. I said a quiet prayer of gratitude for that moment of sunshine and fun and proceeded to buy a vegetarian burrito from Sharky's.

Not an hour later, I received an e-mail that brought a moment of solemnity and grief to my day.

Every once in a while, ACU sends out this "what's going on around campus" e-mail letter. I had received one earlier that day, which had a "With Sympathy" section. There were two people attached to ACU who had lost loved ones. One of them was my former Concepts of Heath and Fitness teacher. Her mother-in-law had died after an 18-month long battle with cancer. I felt a strange connection and immediately wrote her a short e-mail simply saying (for what it's worth) that I was sad to hear the news and praying for her family -- I especially wanted to say this because it had appeared to me, while in her class, that her family was particularly sweet and close. She responded with a very gracious and honest e-mail (which I read after eating my vegetarian burrito from Sharky's) about her connection to her mother-in-law and the pain her family was experiencing.

I haven't had anyone really close to me die. I don't know what it's like. And yet other important things in my life have "died". I've lost my church, New Life; said good-bye to, and lived far away from, many good friends and family; dealt with change I didn't want to face; felt confused, frustrated, exhausted and hurt... So, I suppose for these reasons, I really felt connected to her pain. Does that sound really self-centered and rude to anyone else? It does to me. How could I say I connect to her pain when I have no idea how she's really feeling? But I honestly couldn't help breathing in a bit of sorrow as I read: "We are deeply hurting, but rejoicing in the same breath. I hope I continue to carry her kind, christian spirit with me wherever I go. Thanks so much for taking the time to write."

I felt her resignation, exhaustion, and hope as if they were mine. And perhaps they are, in some strange way, shared. Perhaps when I experience pain or sorrow (or love or joy for that matter), I am simply dipping my toe into the pool of shared human experience. Perhaps we all are. Perhaps (I hope) I am, in some small way, living out Romans 12: Learning to, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

A few summers ago, I found myself comparing my life to my friend's life. Her life seemed so much better than mine and I was in danger of living in secret envy or bitterness. So I copied a large chunk of Romans 12 on a piece of cardboard and hung it on my wall. Reading it almost every day that summer really did help. It gave me the option to choose a less bitter, more humble and loving response to her success and joy. In turn, I was more content and found opportunities to gain success and joy for myself I might not have been open to, otherwise. Ever since then, I've tried to read Romans 12 to myself often, reminding me of the kind of person I want to be:

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. On the contrary:

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

A couple days ago, I was driving down Treadway Blvd. in Abilene and saw a bumper sticker on the back of an old car (I know very little about cars, but it looked kind of like my mother's old LeBaron we threw out in 1995). It was a bumper sticker I'd seen before, "Don't let the car fool you" it read, "my treasure is in heaven." "Who would put this bumper sticker on their car?" I wondered. As I drove by, I glanced at the driver. It was a woman who looked like a 60-year old child, eating a frozen ice-cream bar. There she was, driving down the street with her hair blowing in the wind, a crazy bumper sticker on her car, and she was eating an orange ice-cream bar. (Visions of Maude from "Harold and Maude" danced in my head.) Here was a lovely woman. She didn't have a great car, her hair didn't look perfect, but darn it, she was going to enjoy her ice-cream bar.

Sometimes life is not so great. Sometimes we experience pain and sorrow (and it really sucks) but I am inspired by the woman eating the ice-cream bar to embrace those hard moments of loss as well as the moments where Fats Domino sings. And when confronted with the option, to choose to bless and not curse. To overcome evil with good.

I am not redeemed by corruptible things.

2009-05-19T10:54:00.002-05:00

I recently came across an old CD I hadn't really listened to since I was in high school. There are a number of great songs on the CD, but I especially was renewed by one titled "Incorruptible" by a band called Watermark. I leave the lyrics here in the hope that they will provide hope, peace, joy or whatever you heart needs this day.

incorruptible, indescribable
salvation's calling
when i was longing
now you're the strength that holds my life
with a love that will never die
and never fade like the flowers
it's a love that stands forever.

i am not redeemed by corruptible things
not by silver, not by gold
and not by aimless traditions
but by the blood of God's sacred son, Jesus.
O, you are now my living hope
and my inheritance is incorruptible

incomparable, inconceivable
your plans for me
shall always be
and for the day that you're revealed
my heart is forever sealed
with the promise of mercy
and the hope of all you glory.

O, i am not redeemed by corruptible things
not by silver, not by gold
and not by aimless traditions
but by the blood of God's sacred son, Jesus.
O, you are now my living hope
and my inheritance is incorruptible

O sacred son who paid the price
o may I live a grateful life
that magnifies your name, forever.

Play

2009-05-12T10:05:00.002-05:00

The past four years I have been blessed by the Abilene Shakespeare Festival, and so am filled with excitement and gratitude as I prepare to, once again, participate in a production with this company. I have been asked to serve as Assistant Dramaturge for the ASF production of Henry IV pt. 1 (a play I didn't know much about, so I've learned a lot! :) ).

Yesterday, as I was doing research, reading from Harold C. Goddard's "The Meaning of Shakespeare", I was blindsided and inspired by his commentary on the character of Falstaff. Falstaff can -- and has been -- described as both a gluttonous, irresponsible and cowardly hedonist and a life-loving, witty gradfather. Scholars and theatre artist alike have long asked the questions Wikipedia (yes, I'm using that website...) asks, "What makes portly Sir John so entertaining? How is it, when his actions would repulse many in both a modern and medieval context, we find ourselves so attracted to this lying tub of lard?"

Goddard takes a crack at what it is about Falstaff that attracts us to him and, in the process, arouses in me a desire to live more fully. I have hope that his words might also encourage others so here, copied from the pages of his first volume of "The Meaning of Shakespeare", is Goddard's inspirational commentary:

"Is there any activity of man that involves the same factors that we find present in this Falstaff: complete freedom, an all-consuming zest for life, and utter subjugation of facts to imagination, and an entire absence of moral responsibility? Obviously there is. That activity is play.

Except for that little item of moral responsibility, “play” expresses as nearly as one word can the highest conception of life we are capable of forming: life for its own sake, life as it looks in the morning to a boy with “no more behind/But such a day to-morrow as to-day,/And to be boy eternal,” life for the fun of it, as against life for what you can get out of it – or whom you can knock out of it. “Play” says what the word “peace” tries to say and doesn’t. “Play” brings down to the level of everyone’s understanding what “imagination” conveys to more sophisticated minds. For the element of imagination is indispensible to true play.

Play is not sport. The confusion of the two is a major tragedy of our time. A crowd of fifteen-year-old school-boys “playing” football on a back lot are indulging in sport. They are rarely playing. The one who is playing is the child of five, all alone, pretending that a dirty rag doll is the right mother of a dozen infants – invisible to the naked eye. Even boys playing war, if they are harmonious and happy, are conducting an experiment in peace.

Play is the erection of an illusion into a reality. It is not an escape from life. It is the realization of life in something like its fullness. What it is an escape from is the boredom and friction of existence. Like poetry, to which it is the prelude, it stands for converting or winning-over of facts on a basis of friendship, the dissolving of them in a spirit of love..."

New

2009-03-01T19:30:00.000-06:00

(I began writing this blog in January...It's now March...I haven't been very good about keeping up...)

26 January marked The Chinese New Year. 2009 isn't yet a month old (see, January...). 5 weeks ago, I wasn't 24. Just over two months ago, I didn't know if I would spend January 5 traveling to Seattle, Rwanda or working in Abilene. A lot has happened in the past 6 months of my life and a lot is new for me.

New Thing #1:
I've started working as the Administrative Coordinator for the ACU Theatre Department. I do lots of administrative things like filing, sending e-mails, creating sign-up lists, organizing schedules and making sure people get paid. There are so many people who are helping me learn how to do this job, and they are all really nice. I am tremendously grateful for them and their patience as I learn.

I have also been hired to direct a 25 minute production for the ACU Honors Murder Mystery Dinner. The show opened February 9 and all-in-all will present 5 shows to prospective students as well as ACU students, faculty and staff. The response has been good, and I'm proud of the way so many at ACU have worked together to make this happen. I have also begun work as Production Manager on the ACU Theatre's spring festival of 10-minute shows, Shorts!. I am organizing 11 student directors who will be directing 11 different plays. It's a large, department production and I'm honored to be working on it -- I hope I can rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done! I've already learned a lot as I've gone about this process!

New Thing #2:
I have moved into a new house. It's a two bedroom duplex with a living space, kitchen and reading room (YES!). Currently I'm living alone (because my best friend who WILL be living with me in August is in Bangladesh), but have great friends who make sure I'm not too lonely. I’m living right down the street from my former roommates and there is a house behind mine in the alley and a friend of mine, Kate, moved in there at the same time I moved into my house. It's great to know my neighbors and feel safe in my house.

New Thing #3:
My church, New Life church of Christ, closed her doors in December. I went to church there almost the entire time I've been in Abilene. The people of New Life I've met there have had a profound impact upon my life and I can't tell you the grief I feel as I think about the end of that church. So, I'm church hopping now: not quite ready to commit to a new one, but getting more and more used to the idea of a different church community. One thing I am really grateful for is that my friend group from New Life hasn't scattered. We still meet together to sing, eat and share about our lives at least twice a week. This is good for my soul.

I've not normally done well with new things. Change is hard for me. I was born 2 weeks late and only greeted the world because the doctor threatened to induce labor and force me out. I stood on the sidelines watching my friends play soccer for a whole season (much to my father's chagrin) before I jumped in to play with them. Once I decided to play, I played with all my might: I ran as fast as I could, kicked as hard as I could, played goalie with all my heart even though I was terrified every time I pulled the "goalie jersey" on.

One of my favorite historical figures is John Adams (that's another blog all together). Besides being an actual human being, he is also the main character in the musical 1776. At the end of the show, he has a realization that pushes him to make the final decision of the play. His wife, Abigail reminds him of something he had said to her, "There are only two people of value on the face of the earth" he said, "those who have a commitment and those who require the commitment of others". I must say I cling to the idea of commitment. Once I decided to come out into the world (my parents can attest to this) I didn't kid around about living. Once I decided to put on that goalie jersey, I did it all the way.

Unfortunately, life doesn't always wait for me to stand on the sidelines for a whole season. I've often, recently, found myself overwhelmed by life: like I'm not quite ready to pull on the goalie jersey but it's being handed to me and there's a ball coming right for my face. Other times, I'm ready: I'm taking the leap of commitment but others don't share my enthusiasm and I find myself grasping alone, wondering if this commitment is, indeed, worth it.

I console myself by thinking that this change won't last forever. Someday stability will come and I'll be able to rest in my commitments, knowing I'm ready and have good support around me. I think, this is just a phase. There HAS been a lot of change in my life. I hear being in your 20s is hard, anyway. Perhaps I will magically feel better when I turn 30. : ) In the meantime, I'm searching for greater stability in the sea of change and listening to this song over and over: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCbuqXZ0Gfo&feature=related

It is "Abide With Me", and reminds me of the Rock that is higher than I.

In case there are others who, reading this, find themselves in this strange, 20-somethings fog, I've listed some other songs that have been helpful to me. They have replayed over and over again on my computer at work (hopefully they haven't been loud enough to annoy my co-workers... :) )

Cat Steven's On the Road to Find Out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ--odAAA1A
Cat Steven's Don't Be Shy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNA5Hw8jlWM
Cat Steven's The Wind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wf0VP01JauQ
(I had a good Cat Steven's Day)

Melanie's Look What They've Done to My Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iamNec8kl2o&NR=1

The Small Things

2008-11-26T08:16:00.002-06:00

Lately, I have been very grateful for the small pleasures that pop up out of large chaos (aka my life).

The other day I went to the grocery store and heard "Please Mr. Postman" playing over the speaker-system. I smiled to myself and immediately began mouthing the words in a way that would not be too noticeable -- singing to oneself in the grocery store is not cool -- to the others in the breakfast food isle. Then an employee in his 40s or 50s walked down the isle to add some cereal boxes to the shelf. And as he worked, he whistled. He whistled the tune of "Please Mr. Postman" and it made me SO HAPPY! Seriously, he validated my love of oldies, my desire to sing along with The Marvelettes and brightened my whole day simply by whistling a song. It was GREAT!

A week and a half ago, my friend had a birthday party -- complete with balloons. The balloons resided in a house this particular friend group frequents, so over the past 10 days we've...played with balloons. It must look like the craziest thing to see a group of 20-somethings passionately playing balloon volleyball games as if they were 8-years-old again but playing those games has made me feel better than I have felt in months. I'm so grateful for my friends and their balloons. :)

The smile of a small child can change my life. And recently Caroline, Annie, Ellianna, Jackson, Shikindra, Kyeesha, Deveontre and Maequan (who is actually a teenage, not a small child, but has a great smile anyway) have all given me small bursts of joy.

Did you know that the sky could be seven different, vibrant colors all in the course of three hours? As I was driving to Colorado yesterday, I was o'erthrown (sorry, the Shakespearean term is, actually, needed here :)) by the color of the sky. At once it was 5 different shades of blue -- each more beautiful than the next and separated by clouds that looked like swirled cream. Then, as the sun set, an intense pink lined the horizon, the sun bursting from behind the gathering clouds. Finally, the sky turned a deep purple (I tried to think of some clever pun about the rock band "Deep Purple" to put here but, alas, my thoughts were in vain) as the sun descended behind the rising mountains. I don't remember ever seeing the sky quite that kind of purple before and said a small prayer of thanks, in awe, for the creation around me.

All this having been said, was it wrong for me to cringe when I heard a U.S. senator on NPR equate chasing a greased-up pig with Americana and strong, upstanding, Christian citizens? Perhaps my negative reaction came from a legitimate fear that state representatives think cruelty to animals is a positive American tradition. Or, perhaps it rose from the dark, snooty place inside me where my pride resides. If the later is the case, perhaps I should just get over myself and let others enjoy small pleasures for themselves... : )

You Know You're an Adult When...

2008-10-20T17:57:00.002-05:00

...

1.) When you take kids to Boo at the Zoo and are the only one there at the end of the day to carry the sleeping 3-year old through the Zoo, across the parking lot, AND the field (because it was so busy you had to park on the street) to your car while her little sleeping body keeps falling away from (and sliding down) your body.

2.) When the lawn mower runs out of gas with fifteen feet of grass left to cut.

3.) When you realize that the only reason you buy Strawberries is because you THINK you should eat them...but you actually like Dried Apricots better, so you decide you can buy dried apricots instead (without guilt!) because THEY ARE FRUIT TOO!

4.) When you consider that maybe security is better than adventure.

5.) When you buy new shoes you call your "job interview shoes" and make sure they don't get muddy.

Speaking of Beautiful...

2008-10-17T23:03:00.001-05:00

And now...for some thoughts on something beautiful in Abilene...

I just came back from a concert performed by the Abilene Christian University Chamber Orchestra. (My friend Emily Lafont is their PRINCIPAL Oboe player. :) ) The first piece they played was "Five Variants of 'Dives and Lazarus'" by R. Vaughan Williams. It was a BEAUTIFUL piece. I can't even describe to you the wonder my heart felt at hearing this fine music played by fine musicians. It almost brought me to tears, and I don't cry.

And it got me to thinking about the nature of beauty. Was Baden Baden SO beautiful to me not because it was actually the most beautiful place I'd ever been, but rather simply because it had been weeks since I'd seen a sunset? Was Williams' piece SO moving because it had been so long since I'd heard such music played live rather than because it is a truly exquisit piece?

I don't know much about music, and even less about sunsets, so I guess I'll never know unless one of you reading this happens to be an expert on music or sunsets and wants to tell me. Untill then, I'll just sit in quiet gratitude for the beauty I see, hear, smell, taste and feel around me.

The final piece the orchestra played was a jazz-inspired work called La Creation du Monde (The Creation of the World) by Darius Milhaud. This piece was very difficult, but they played quite well. I was really impressed. As I listened, I also found myself watching the musicians. It was funny to me how they seemed to match their instruments. For example, the principal violinist, or the concertmaster, was very put together. His black clothes matching his dark, gently-combed hair and his posture strong, allowing him to look intimidating without looking mean. His was very, very focused on his music and his gently moving hand both grabbed my attention and unnerved me as it looked -- like most Violinist's hands do -- like his hand actually had no power of its own, but was barely holding onto the bow and being pushed up by the arm.

Just a few seats over, the saxaphone player was so cool. He was a tall man, kind of lanky with whispy hair that looked like it had been stuck down to his forehead with gel. He sat comfortably, almost slouching, in his chair and moved his shoulders and back as he played. It was the most fun to watch this guy's face. His eyebrows changed with every note, and I could guess what emotional charge the next set of music might hold simply by watching his face. It was wonderful seeing someone so connected to his music.

The Cellist , though, was my favorite. She had the elegance of someone who knew she was important, but the coolness of someone who intimately loves her instrument. She had black high-heals on and played with intensity and focus, yet as she held the large, stringed-cello against her body, she seemed sometimes to be laughing with the music. The knee of her beautiful black pants bore the white mark of the occasional brush of her bow.
Needless to say, it was a great night.

If you'd like to hear the Williams piece, you can check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ4bx4r1VeQ
The video that accompanies it is kind of trippy, so just minimize the screen and listen.

The first part of the jazzy, Milhaud piece can be heard here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGN0je3x8_M

the second part, here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MyNpa5GEnw&feature=related

Beautiful Baden Baden

2008-09-25T18:10:00.009-05:00

After three weeks we left Northern Hamburg for Baden Baden in the South of Germany. After two-show days on Saturday and Sunday we loaded out all the costumes (the sets and light guys did their stuff) onto trucks, crawled into a Nighliner Bus (at 3:00am) and headed across the country.

Here's a photo of my "bed" on the bus:

there was no window to the outside, so it was very dark and rather uncomfortable. The rocking motion of the bus actually made me feel like I was one of the many immigrants who have left Hamburg by boat.

After a fitful night, the bus reached our new theatre in Baden Baden, Germany:

And I got a view (the view from the Costume Work Room BALCONY) of what may indeed be the most stunningly beautiful place I have ever been.

Here are some photos of Baden Baden. They are from the balcony in the theatre, my hotel room, the walk from my hotel room to the balcony in the theatre and of a hike Mary and I took through the "Black Forest" to castle runis that overlook the city. They certainly don't do the town justice, but here they are:

I was really happy to be off that bus...

Photos from a small river-walk that ran along side our walk from hotel to theatre:

The (ominous) Black Forest:

I brought an apple to eat along the hike up the "mountain". Suddenly, eating an apple in the middle of a forest made me think of Snow White. Here are two of my attempts at taking a photo of myself while pretending to be Snow White/dramatically eating an apple while hiking through the Black Forest:

...it's not like I'm an actress or anything...

The castle! We made it!!

The following photos are from the castle...

...including me trying to be dramatic, but just looking very confused...

The Great Hall!

Historic Hamburg

2008-09-24T18:09:00.028-05:00

Okay, now that I'm back in the States, I finally have time and access to a computer so I can upload photos and give a brief (at least I'll TRY to keep it brief) overview of my time in Germany and Switzerland. Most of the photos and stories will come from my free time (Mondays and some mornings when I didn't have to go into the theatre until the afternoon).

So, let's start at the very beginning: the first city I went to was Hamburg, Germany (yes, this is where Hamburgers come from : ) ). I spent a lot of time during the three weeks I was here learning about the history of this city. It was an important port city during the Middle Ages and the Renaissance and many people left Europe for the Americas and Australia from Hamburg. Occasionally, on our walks home from the theatre Mary and I would hear a blow horn from the harbor -- not something I was accustomed to after living in Denver and Abilene, but very cool.

Hamburg also had a BEAUTIFUL History Museum. I went there twice to see as much as I could. Here are some photos of things I saw there:

A model of the city in the Renaissance and Old Shoes

A corset! and a Pianoforte! It was all really beautiful and fascinating.

And last but not least, the German National Theatre was established in Hamburg in the 18th century. One of the founders, Gotthold Ephraim Lessing wrote this book:

"Hamburg Dramaturgy" (yes!), which became the most important book on theatre theory of the Enlightenment. Hamburg became (and still is) a hub of cultural and artistic activity. Many important performers had ties to Hamburg, like Adele Dore, who is represented here:

Germany, of course, was the center of the early days of the Reformation. Here is a photo of a statue of Martin Luther at a local Protestant Church:

There was a big fire in the 19th Century that destroyed much of the city and was again hit hard by Allied bombs during World War II. So the city has a very interesting mix of old buildings and brand new ones. The juxtaposition of the old and new, the pristine and ruined was not something I was prepared for, and rather arresting.

Here are some photos of the old and new of Hamburg side by side:

On one of my free mornings I went to a museum/memorial for WWII victims that was in the basement of a bombed-out church. There was a concentration camp in the outskirts of Hamburg and after it was heavily bombed and large portions of the civilian population lost homes, jobs or their very lives (those who made it to underground bomb shelters survived but the above ground shelters weren't even strong enough to save people from the heat from fires and bombs), the inmates at the camp were ordered to pick through the rubble to collect the dead for burial and make sure all bombs had actually exploded. It was humbling to stand in that city knowing its tragic and violent past.

Photo of Hamburgers quickly leaving their homes:

Nazi Propaganda: "Mother and Child"
All that is left of the church where the memorial now stands is the bell tower and about half of the outside walls. What used to be the church itself is now an outside courtyard with a few statues and memorials. Here are my two favorites:

This one is called "The Ordeal" and had a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer (who opposed Hitler) attached to it, "No man in the world can change the truth. One can only look for the truth, find it and serve it. The truth is in all places".

This statue is called "Angel on Earth". The statement under the title reads, "Take my hand and let me lead you back to yourself".

After I went thorough the museum, I noticed that my ticket also gave me access to the bell tower. I hadn't planned on going up (because I'm kind of afraid of heights) but because I had already paid for it, I thought, why not? Now, I know why not. Going up 75 yards of this:

all alone in a glass elevator is NOT fun. In fact, it is small panic-attack producing. Take my word for it.

But once I was up there, I was rewarded with this view of the sky...:

Of the city...:

Of my hotel (the tallest building)...:
Of this McDonald's sign (LAME)...:
and this Emergency Sign, which informed me that in the event of an emergency, I should not worry because I would be able to escape using this spiral staircase which went down the outside of the gigantic bell tower...:
Can you see the TERROR on my face?:

After the War, Hamburg continued to be a place that welcomed excellent artists, particularly musicians. And it wasn't long before the best band of the 20th century came to this humble city. The Beatles (before they were world famous) spent time living in Hamburg's seedy red-light district on the Reeperbahn street (where they used to make ropes for ships), where they played in the "Star Club". Here's a photo of the club. Check out my previous blog for a photo of ME on the street "Big Freedoms" (an excellent name for a street in the red light district...)

Some 40 years after The Beatles first set foot in Hamburg I followed suit and got to work with these lovely Hamburgers:

This is a photo of the German helpers who assisted us in Hamburg. They were WONDERFUL and I'm so glad to have met them!

Well, my friends, that's an overview of my time in Historic Hamburg.

Stay tuned for the article on Beautiful Baden Baden!

What You Say Daddy Peter?! How I'm Learning to get rid of Those Lonesome Blues and be so Happy Here on Cat Fish Woah

2008-09-03T17:32:00.004-05:00

So every time Porgy (of Porgy and Bess) sings to his Bess, 'I wanted you to be so happy here in Cat Fish Row' it sounds like he's saying, 'Cat Fish Woah'. And it makes me laugh.

Something that doesn't make me laugh is how this computer won't let me upload photos. I'm in Baden-Baden, Germany now and was more than prepared to share some photos of Hamburg and Baden-Baden now, but alas, the photos will have to wait...

I'm learning so much in this land of long days, late nights and the sleeper bus (insert photo of my bunk on the sleeper bus, which actually was a rather bumpy ride. As we were leaving Hamburg (a port city) I imagined I was a German imigrant from the 19th century heading out of the city on a ship to an unknown land across the ocean). This land where singers never check their costumes until 5 minutes before places when ten of them freak out because they're missing their apron or hat or pants (o.k. the pants are a legitimate reason to freak out).

This land of wonderful German costume helpers (insert photo of the girls who helped us in Hamburg who were very nice, helpful, AND gave us incredible presents when we left -- including a CD of the Beatles on the Reeperban in Hamburg!!), Italian restaurants on every other corner, and lovely parks (insert about a billion photos of the fantastic park that was 2 minutes walk from the hotel in Hamburg and the park just outside the hotel in Baden-Baden where I saw a crane this morning!)

Okay. There are a number of other people who want to use this computer so I'm going to end this edition here... (promising more with photos sometime!) with a short list for those who are theatrically-inclined:

Here, for the ACU Theatre Majors (and anyone else who is interested) are some things I've learned from observing performers (mostly those playing Bess):
1.) Memorize the relaxation exercies you learn in class! Doing a show is STRESSFUL and it makes it harder on yourself and everyone else around you when you're not relaxed. Use what you learn and breathe!
2.) When doing a love scene, make sure you have actions, otherwise it's much easier to get lost in the 'I am really in love with this person' world. Even -- indeed, especially -- if you don't have lines, make sure you have character-driven actions. They will help keep your head on straight.
3.) LOTS of people will tell you that you're fabulous (especially after you come off stage after a love scene with a 'sexy man'. Don't let it get to your head.
4.) Be nice to everyone. Everyone.
5.) You will be invited to party. Be smart about it. If someone asks you to go to a club on a Saturday night (after a two-show day and before a Sunday two-show day) get a good night's rest instead. You will be refreshed and enjoy the next day's performances, they will have a hangover.
6.) For costumers: when you're running up and down three flights of stairs for the 7th time in the past two hours, find something that will keep your spirits up. I listen to music when I deliver socks and t-shirts at the top of the day, and recite Shakespeare when I deliver costumes and fetch things for the performers at the end of the day. It even surprises me how just a few lines of As You Like It, or Romeo and Juliet or Macbeth can change my outlook and energy level. : )

o.k. That's it for now.
Expect the next installment soon (I hope!)

Ich Spreche Kein Deutch: Or how CNN, BBC, and Eurosport Became my German Roommates

2008-08-20T18:00:00.006-05:00

This is me with my Porgy and Bess back stage pass!

This is me before I left...

This is me after I arrived: jet lagged and TIRED!

The view of North Hamburg from my hotel room

Me on the street the Beatles Played on!! Yeah, yeah, yeah!!

I have learned German! Or…at least how to say, “I don’t speak German” in German…
Needless to say, I’m grateful for three English-language channels (including the Olympics!) on the television in my hotel room. When I’m not listening to European news or the Beijing Diving Competitions, I am at the theatre, working. I can’t even think of how to being to describe what this experience has been like. So I’ll just list facts. (I'm trying to add photos, but I'm having trouble, so bear with me...)

Hamburg By Numbers:

15: The number of times someone has confused me as a German and tried speaking to me in Deutch within the first three days (I’ve since stopped counting).
Also the number of hours I worked on my longest day.

13: The average number of hours I work each day.

11: The number of days I worked (with an average of 13 hours a day) without a break.

9:00- 10:00am: the time I usually have breakfast (at the hotel)

12:00am: The time Mary (my teacher and the head costumer on tour) and I usually stop by the McDonalds in between the theatre and out hotel for “dinner”.

24: The floor my room is on at the hotel.

6: The number of Germans who interchangeably work with us in the costume shop and backstage (by the way, their English is 500 times better than my German).

3: The number of opera singers who sing “Bess” and who I am in charge of dressing (and undressing) before and after the show

5: The number of quick changes I have to help Bess with during each show (9 per week with two on Sat. and Sun.)

28: The number of shirts I have to distribute to the men in the cast every day.

56: The number of socks I have to distribute to the men in the cast every day.

1: The number of times I’ve been to the red light district (during the day) in Hamburg and walked down the street where the Beatles played when they lived in Hamburg before they became world-famous.

13 minutes: The amount of time it takes for me to walk to the theatre from the hotel.

3: The number of Europeans who have expressed interest in asking me out.

0: The number of times (as of yet) I’ve actually gone out with a European and the number of (human) roommates I have and the number of windows in my bathroom (I miss the sunlight).

12: the number of NEW performers we had to fit for costumes in three days.
Here is a photo of my in the fitting room:

68: The number on my official “Porgy and Bess: All Access Pass”. Here I am with it:

2: Hamburg’s rank as one of Germany’s largest cities (surprised me!) Here are some photos of Hamburg I’ve taken from my hotel room and during my one day off.

A LOT: The amount of Hamburg that was destroyed in a fire in the 19th Century.

EVEN MORE: The amount of Hamburg (an important harbor city) that was destroyed by World War II bombs. There is still a lot of construction around the city and it’s rather strange to see 18th century (and older) buildings standing right beside cold, modern skyscrapers.

1: The assistant stage manager who reminds me of Caleb Todd (a friend of mine from ACU Theatre). Caleb, if you read this: I almost put my hand on my shoulder and batted my eyes within the first day that I met him. J He is new to the company, too, so I instantly had a friend with something in common. How grateful I am to have someone who reminds me so much of home.

More than I would like to count: The number of times I’ve messed up and really frustrated a performer.

More than I can count: The number of times a performer has expressed thanks to me.
Completely: How grateful I am that 1.) Mary likes Italian food (just like me!) 2.) that I live RIGHT NEXT to a public garden (here are some photos of the garden and me in the garden) and 3.) that I have a WONDERFUL recording of the song “It is Well”.

This song has (at least for this week) become by mantra. "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul".

I Don't Know How to Speak German

2008-08-08T00:11:00.002-05:00

So I arrived in Hamburg yesterday (Thur) morning after about 17 hours of traveling (through Denver, New York, and Paris). I was picked up by the Asst. Maniger of the Company and brought to the hotel, which is right in the middle of Hamburg (a pretty big city, by the way). After taking a shower, unpacking and an hour nap, I headed out to check out the city (mostly I needed to stay awake -- I start working today and can't be jet-lagged.) There is a beautiful flower garden and park just outside our hotel. I discovered it after getting ice cream at an ice cream stand. I have no idea if the guy charged me the correct amount -- because I don't speak a lick of German. That has been the worst part, feeling a bit overwhelmed because I can't understand anything. I even walked into a Starbucks (totally U.S. thing to do) because I knew I could simply pick up a bottle of water and hand it to the cashier, and then could see on the cash register how much I owed. Hopefully I'll get more and more confident as the days go on.

But the city is beautiful, Mary (my boss) is here (we had dinner last night) and the people are friendly -- they also walk everywhere. When I was on the street, I had numerous (and various) people walking and riding bicycles right next to me.

I'm excited to get started working today!

Okay. More (and photos!) when I have more time on the internet.

BFA = Best Fun in Abilene

2008-08-03T16:34:00.032-05:00

I graduated from Abilene Christian University on May 10th with a BFA in Theatre: Acting and Directing. Here I am with my family on graduation day!

Exactly one week later I presented my senior Capstone project: The Shakespeare Celebration: A Scene Festival.

I spent the greater part of the school year directing some 30 elementary school students in scenes from Shakespeare's plays and, on 17 May 2008 we presented them at the Alliance for Women and Children in Abilene. It was a great success and I loved working with them! Here are some photos from the performance day:

The Alliance for Women and Children then asked me to come and do some Shakespeare workshops with their middle school girls summer camps. I had a wonderful time sharing the story of As You Like It with the campers, but especially enjoyed talking about "growing up" issues they face and connecting some characters as well as lessons from "As You Like It" to the girls' own lives.

I chose to focus on "As You Like It" this summer because the Abilene Shakespeare Festival was also performing it this summer (my students got to come a see the opening night performance). I was in the production, which marked my fourth summer with the ASF. I was THRILLED to get to work with the director, actors and designers again!

Here I am, in a corset line, with all the women in the production and with actor who played Orlando, my love interest, in the show:

My best friend, Emily, and I got to play best friends in the show, which was fantastic. After four years in the ACU Theatre department, we'd never gotten to act together, so it was a real treat. It was especially good because she is leaving in September to nanny for her sister and brother-in-law in Bangladesh for a year. We were able to use the show as a kind of "last hurrah" before we part. We've grown very close over the years and it's impossible to describe, here, the mixture of excitement for our futures and sense of loss and sorrow as we're living apart.

The photo at the top is of Emily and me in our "As You Like It" costumes and this one is of us on my graduation day.

After "As You Like It" closed, I got a job baby-sitting in July, and started looking around Abilene for a more long-term position. For the past three years I've worked as the Study Abroad student worker in the Center for International and Intercultural Education at ACU, but as I'm not a student anymore, my job there was scheduled to end in August and I needed another source of income. That's when the opportunities to travel with the Opera (and my former teacher, Mary!) and teach in Rwanda happened to drop in my lap. It seems everything has been orchestrated. I received the offer to tour Europe on 20 July, quit my job, said goodbye to as many people as I could get a hold of in Abilene, packed up my house and drove to Denver by 02 August. Needless to say, it's been a few of crazy weeks.

The rest of the summer was mostly spent at my church in Abilene, New Life Church of Christ. I've developed incredible friendships with many different people at New Life, and I will miss them all -- and my lovely flatmates who have put up with me for the past two to three years -- as I head to Europe. Here are some photos of me with my New Life friends.

This was when I went through the bathroom window (just like the Beatles' lyric, "She came in through the bathroom window"!) at my friends' house.

I leave Denver on Wednesday morning and I've already checked out Internet Cafes near our first hotel in Germany, so the next post should be coming soon! Stay tuned!